The Spec of Life Doesn’t Fit Me

Spoiler: the corporate ladder, big Kia and 4-bed didn’t happen… and I’m glad

There was a time where I had zero idea about life or what I was supposed to do. I was numb, stuck, and bored out of my box. I used to say to my friend, “If someone could just give me the spec of life, I’ll do it.” Would I have? Probably not. But the point was, I just couldn’t fathom actually deciding what I was supposed to do. I didn’t want to. And it just didn’t make sense?

All my life I’d been told what to do. And now I’m supposed to make choices? Me?? Can I be trusted? Do I really have to use my brain? Do I really need to look at the vastness of life and make decisions that could impact my entire future?

This was adulting at its finest.

I’d been questioning things since I was a kid, but I still thought life would just happen to me. That I’d fall in line like everyone else. If I’d been handed the spec…you know, corporate ladder, marriage, kids, a few holidays a year, a big Kia and a four-bedroom house. I probably would’ve taken it. Now I’m not saying that spec is bad. I actually would love that spec. But something in me just knew life wasn’t gonna go that way. No matter how much I tried. And believe me, I tried. Sometimes I’m still trying.

To get out of my pickle (aka: avoidance of adulting), I had to admit that my path was going to be different. That I wanted different. I had to quieten my tantrums. Stop blaming the world. And finally listen to the dreams I’d tucked away. The ones covered in dust and doubt. The ones I’d labelled “not for you,” or “that happens to other people,” or “you don’t have what it takes.”

It was hard. There was a lot of back and forth. From numbing myself, to seeing the light, and back again. Until I was 30-ish and finally realised:

“Oh… it’s me. I’m the drama.”

Every turn I took on this self-inquiry journey brought me back to myself. Time and time again. I couldn’t escape me. I couldn’t hide. I couldn’t keep blaming everything and everyone… because I was free to make my own choices. And that meant… it was me that kept choosing wrong.

Major wake up call.

Now? I see it as the ultimate blessing. Now it’s like,

“Ohhh it’s me. I’m the creator.”

I get to decide. I get to paint my life. This vast, wild life? That’s my canvas. And I can do whatever the fuck I want with it.

How did I do it? I went deep into my psyche. Into my spiritual practice of yoga. Not in the wanky way…because I was privileged to be brought up in a Hindu household. It was already in me, but it had been blanketed. Yoga wasn’t new. It was a return. Back to my roots. Back to where the world… and my purpose, one that made sense.

Bit by bit, I started seeing life as my journey. Not someone else’s. Not someone else’s script. I began choosing what my truest self wanted. Even when it didn’t make sense or wasn’t logical. Because I knew choices made from that place would lead me to the highest version of myself.

Now I can say I’m free. Free in my body and in my mind. Free to live the way I want. Not shrink. Not box myself in. But evolve… through truth.

The journey’s far from complete, but I’m no longer numb. No longer bored out of my box. I’m excited.

And as I approach 39…unmarried, childless, wandering the world… I still know, deep down… I’m on the right path.

This is the work I do now.

I help women make sense of their stuckness, strip back the noise, and finally feel free in their own mind and body.

If you want to know more, UNSTUCK might be the place to begin.

Read about it here.